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The two of us share a history

Or, shall we say,

A checkered past?

We got along so awkwardly

I'm not surprised 

Things fell apart.

We existed in each other's space

No more, no less

And somehow I just accepted it;

Told myself it was for the best.

I was hurt by you.

Felt estranged from you.

Abandoned.

You were the enemy.

The intruder.

The invader who

Had no business in my territory

Trying to bring law and order.

So I rebelled.

I used fire.

I raised hell.

But you weren't afraid

And you pushed back;

Asserted your claim.

So I gave up.

Retreated into myself.

Let my garden turn into a wilderness.

Shut myself up in a cave.

Packed myself in ice,

Thinking that would cool the flame.

Took no account of global warming

Or the fact things move in cyclical waves.

Now my winter forteress has melted

And I'm burning again.

So the only way to stop this cycle,

The only way to break this curse

Is to shift gears; move into reverse

And go back to the place

Where I should have started first.

Only time doesn't work like that.

You can never go back.

Least that's what I've learnt about the past:

You can't change it.

You don't get a do-over.

You remember it.

Until you don't

Because it no longer matters.

But it does to me 

And therein lies the problem.

So I've returned to you

For a healthy side of crow.

And I can't predict how this will end,

This only do I know:

You can't pull a relationship out of thin air.

You can't get back what never was.

But you've gotta start somewhere.

Gravitational

I want you.

I probably shouldn't.

But I want you.

Now I could say

That it's for your charm,

Your winning personality.

Only I don't really know you

But I know I want your body.

You draw me in;

I can't resist it.

You've got a pull,

And it's magnetic.

Perhaps it's got something to do

With pheromones,

Or maybe it's just that time of the month

And I'm on overload

Bursting at the seams

With a surplus of hormones.

Whatever it is,

I don't need to explain it.

I'm done overthinking

And I say f*** it!

I know that I want you.

And I'm going for it.

In Spite of Me

 Don't look at me so

Like you've got me 

All figured out.

I'm not in love

You know.

So you might as well 

Get it out of your head

Right this instant.

I've had crushes before

And sooner or later,

They all fall away

To the cutting room floor.

So don't go getting attached.

I don't do committment.

I don't do relationships

And I don't do domestic.

So watch your back.

I ain't in it for the long haul.

Just remember that.

Don't smile at me that way.

It's like you're not paying attention 

To anything I say.

Oh I see,

You think I'm falling for you

Just because 

For some reason

I haven't quite managed

To give you the boot.

Well, don't worry.

I'll get to it soon.

What's wrong with your eyes?

Turn the shine off!

Didn't yo' mama never teach you

It's not polite to gloat?

I've heard of sore losers,

And that's not me at all

But you could stand to be more gracious...

Now that you realise you've won.

You're a tenacious little barnacle.

I'll give you that much.

I'd never have guessed it

That night you sat on my porch

Telling stories while you drank

And we ate corn on the cob.

But somehow you knew

You'd be the one

To get under my skin.

Yeah, you knew it.

Of course.

And I want to be mad

That I can't shake you off

But I can't be 

And it's frustrating to me

That I love you so much.

Call Me When You're Sober

Want me in the daylight

And when you're in your right mind.

I don't want you to want me

In the wee hours of the morning

Round a quarter past three

When you're alone, 

And drunk,

And horny.

I don't want to be

The person you think of when you're lonely

Or the one you call when you're bored,

Only to be looked right through at parties

When you have company.

The one to be ignored.

I don't want to be the one

Who gets put way back on the top shelf.

Sitting there, hoping to be remembered,

Feeling sorry for myself.

No.

I don't want to be that person

Who's always last pick or second choice.

I let you get away with that

Because I felt I had no voice.

Now I've learnt

After being burnt

On multiple occasions

That I do

Have value too

And you are not my salvation.

So it's 3 am

And, as expected,

The phone rings.

And it's you

Wanting to know

Wussup

And, Can I come over.

Now, honey boo,

I ain't mad at you

But I am not your part time lover

So if you're sure that I'm the one you want

You need to 

Call me when you're sober.

Pretty Pill

Opaque prescription bottle

What's inside of you?

What ancient magic

Makes you 

So good at dulling pain?

How are your contents able

To enter mind and will?

How exactly does so much colour

Fit inside a small white pill?

Tell me pretty bottle,

What secrets do you hide

Under child-proof cap

Contrived to cheat innocent eyes?

Oh psychotropic genie

Come out when I call;

Blurr the lines so fantasy

Can enter into my world.

Pretty pill.

My only thrill.

I swear only by thee-

No clear injections,

Or brown concoctions,

Or tiny blazing trees.

No pretty pill,

Come cure my ills

You're the only one for me.

No pretty pill

Don't make me ill

Don't break my sanity.

Enemy Inside

Be careful when you go.

Watch your back.

Take care.

Words of warning

Spoken out of love and fear.

Admonition

Meant to guard against

The dangers lurking somewhere "out there."

Words

Assimilated and passed on.

Words

Turned tradition;

Handed down from father to son.

Words

That I have taken to heart.

Words

That have kept me 

Alert and sharp.

So when in your turn

You stepped into my world,

I wanted to welcome you

But for those words

Reminding me of the threat

That you in your innocence

Could potentially represent.

And without realising it,

Instinct took hold

Sending me into 

Self defense mode.

I threw up the walls.

I launched the grenades.

I pulled out the stops,

And went on crusades

All in an attempt

To protect myself

From the wildling,

The enemy,

Inside my fence.

Now looking back

Reluctantly,

I have finally come to see

That in all of my vigilant savagery 

The real beast in the story

Turned out to be me. 

The Core

It's not about the job.

It's not about the money.

It's about your purpose

And the reason for the journey.

All In

I'm trying not to be sad.

But it's a battle I can't win.

A part of me is focused

On all the positive things- 

The prospect of the unknown

Gives me an electric thrill.

But another part,

The one I can't control,

Chokes on all the bitter fumes

Of dreams going up in smoke.

So much effort wasted

Planting seeds that have not grown.

And so I'm spinning,

Disoriented.

Oscillating between

Peace, contentment

And dread of the unseen:

Teetering in tenuous equilibrium

Waiting for the drop.

Only question is, 

When?

When will the wheel of fate

Finally come to a stop?

Then, 
What hand will the dealer pay out?

And,
 If it comes to sudden death,

Could I stick it out?

But in the moments just before the fall

It all goes eerily quiet

As I purposefully choose to trust,
Drawing strength from a world gone silent.
I accept the things I do not know.
I let Faith fill me up.

I relinquish all the might-have-beens
And,

Surrendering, 

I take the plunge.

Storm Shelter

Stormclouds on the horizon.

Another "uh-oh" moment

Before the bang,

The explosion that rang out

Across the world:

The herald of the tightened noose;

A signal that hell just broke loose.

Lightning flashes;

Thunder rolls.

The radio says

It's gonna get worse.

Can I stay in bed til it's all over

And build a home under the covers?

Can't I hold my breath and keep my head under?

Is there any reason I can't drink myself sober?

The light is shut out.

Immersed in deep night,

The shadow is all I receive

From my eyes.

Not sure if day's real

Or a thing I made up.

I planted a seed

Then I lost the map;

I wander around,

But can't find the spot.

Speeding to nowhere.

Maybe I should stop.

...But do I dare?

Once sun kissed

Now wind-swept.

Feeling exposed,

Shaken and helpless;

Choked by fear's rose

A fantom bloom opening

In the back of my throat.

Hope-cheated, rejected;

Undercut by a tide 

Of emotions 

With nowhere to hide.

Now habit would dictate 

I try to understand the why

But I couldn't be bothered

Cause I'm numb inside. 

And this may not,

Be a good time to fly.

But, then again,

Perhaps I should give it a try.

Let the air currents

I ride

Take me up high

Above these dark clouds 

To bright open sky.

Follow the Leader

Echo on stone

Bare as bone.

Resplendant Monarch

On crystal throne.

Things move slow;

I wonder why.

Don't change them though.

No will to try.

I do my part

And tow the line;

Heart in traction,

Eyes shut wide

Til suddenly I realise

My feet've strayed onto

A decline

Following after 

One who is blind.

Lost & Found

You used to say

You'd be the one to fix me.

Never took you for a creeper.

Never thought you'd be the one

To make the wound much deeper.

And I tried to make you 

Into something

You were never meant to be.

That's over now.

The lie's broken down.

And now

I'm standing in the lost and found.

I used to think 

I was strong enough

To never leave your side

But time's the measure

And he knew better

And somehow it seems I lied.

And I tried to make me

Into something

I was never meant to be

But that's over now.

That lie's broken down.

I look around 

And see that somehow

I'm right back

In the lost and found.

Big Boy Pants

I'd been expecting you

But you never showed up 

Why didnt you come?

Guess you called my bluff.

I spent my time

Hovering, it seems,

Between murky reality

And half lucid dreams.

Guess I was dodging the rough.

I'd always imagined 

That when you got here

Mysteries would unfold;

That my path would be clear.

Guess that was delusional stuff.

Eyes to the people

For a solution

Turned out to be nothing

But noise and confusion.

Then I decided 

To look on the inside

But found I couldn't live off

Hurt feelings and pride.

Guess I wasn't enough.

Severed the cord

But only in word

Time to cash in my actions;

See what my mouth's really worth.

Guess it's time for tough love. 

Unconscious Uncoupling

So close

We were the closest

Of friends

We were the bestest

Of loves

Ours was the greatest

Of falls

This was the hardest.

Your eyes told stories

Far beyond words

Never had to explain things

Emotions were heard

I could always tell what you were feeling

Like your own personal

Human mood ring

And you never had to ask

"Well what do you think?"

Cause we were in tune

On a wave and in sync.

Many times I've heard it said

That all good things

One day come to an end.

So then what about the bad?

What message does that send?

Kinda makes me second guess

The meaning of "friend".

Something's broken

Or else something's grown

And for some reason or other

We don't fit anymo'.

It just happened so quick though

Quicker even than I could follow.

This truly is a hard pill to swallow.
Guess you can never predict
How the wind's gonna blow,

Just like that, overnight,
you've become

A person that I used to know.

Broken

How do you fix something 

you don't even know is broken?

There's a rattling.

It's been going on for a while now;

Started out as something imperceptible

But I can hear it now.

Matter of fact, it's gotten quite loud.

There's a rattling sound.

Got so used to it over the years

That I'd quite forgotten it was ever there.

But I can hear it again.

It's gotten quite loud.

Loud enough to hear 

Above the buzzing of the crowd.

There's a rattliing sound.

And what it portends

I fear

Is that somewhere, something is broken

That I just can't seem to mend

Where it lies hidden, veiled and unseen

But this awareness,

This thing I've been trying not to feel

Is all I can think about.

It's become only too real.

There's a rattling tho'

And I can't put my finger on

The cause of the noise

Or tell where it's coming from.

But I'm certain in full

Not in seeming or in part

And it's a certainty that haunts me

Like the tell-tale heart.

And there's this damn rattling

Way down below

And it's chipping away 

At my self-control.

Meanwhile that piece that's been broken

And just can't be found

Has me losing my mind 

As I wander around

Searching in vain

For that rattling sound.

Older & Wiser

 

A hand extended,

Proferred but rejected.

Unsure of what 

The act portended,

Choosing rather to remain

Unmended.

And through long years

Left unattended.

By obscurity 

Befriended

'Til at last 

Unbidden, unheralded,

Came to pass the unexpected:

Come poetic second chance

The power

To redeem the past;

To regain that which you forsook

In the folly 

Of unlearned youth.

Come full circle

Initial rhyme 

Ever-turning 

Wheel of time.

What to do with second chance,

Which might just turn out to be the last?

Change the past,

Or take a pass?

Try something new

And unexpected.

Go beyond what you intended,

Face the fear,

The unknown, the dreaded.

Verdant olive branch

Extended,

And all broken fences

Mended.

Wildest hopes and dreams

Excelled.

Story over.

Happily ended.

Tunnel

I'm sad inside again.

I don't know why.

But I'm sad.

I wish I could explain 

All these blues and greys 

And sombre shades.

...But I can't.

They come just like winter rains

And I've just got to let them pass.

I don't know why I'm feeling sad

So don't bother to ask.

Sometimes there are highs;

Sometimes there are lows.

It's only a season; this won't last.

So there's no need to worry about me

I'll be alright.
You'll see.

I'm older now,

And wiser too

Somehow.

I'm not going to repeat the past.

This state I'm in won't get the win.

I'll be just fine. Just relax. 

I can't backtrack and I can't stand still.

Gotta move forward one step at a time.
So keep on your way,
While I go mine.

Just be faithful to your path
And in a little while

We'll meet up with each other again
Somewhere on the other side.

Fire Fall

Let the fire fall.

And we'll watch the hungry flames

Consume the land and the sky,

With the shoreline and the waves.

Yes.

Let the fire fall

While we bathe in the light 

That washes over all

And dances on the mountains.

Let it burn away the world.

Let the fire fall.

Let it fall I say.

Let it gorge on the corruption

That holds men to its sway.

Let it lap up the riches

Heaped up while others lay

Upon death's doorstep

Or in the thralls of poverty.

Let the fire fall

And let ambition

Come to nought.

Let all the conflicts whither

With the spoils over which we fought.

Let the fire fall.

Let it fall and be done.

And let a new creation grow

From ashes of the fallen one.

A Time to Forgive

There's a time and purpose

To everything:

A time to wound,

A time to heal;

A time to gather,

A time to spill,

A time to nurture,

A time to kill.

I've spent a lifetime battling

The way I feel-

I've cried, I have shouted,

I have made myself ill.

I've lied and denied 

To make the loss look like a win

So I wouldn't have to deal with

The pain I was in.

I said I was fine

When really I was strugglin',

Turned a blind eye to weakness;

Tried to cover up sin,

Until I got to the point

Where I started drownin'

Dangerously close

To the point of no returning.

Then, faced with a choice,

And no pretense to shroud it,

Between accepting the lifeline

Floating where I could reach it

And falling into darkness

With no light to ease it.

Fiercely determined 

That I would yet live,

I reached for the cord

And I tightened my grip. 

Now one thing remained 

To get out of guilt

I had to lighten my load

For I was too heavy to lift.

So releasing the tension,

I stopped gritting my teeth

And felt life returning

As I chose to forgive.  

Hard Break

No!

Didn't you hear?

Did I start to stutter?

Or just don't you care?

You're arrogant and selfish.

Time I put it out there!

How come I never have to repeat myself

When my answer is yeah?

You hear me just fine then.

Then, it's all crystal clear.

How come I can hear you

When the refusal is yours?

Yet when it's mine,

Have to shout it through a bullhorn?

Well, maybe it's my fault 

That I'm not being heard.

Perhaps I've nurtured bad habits

Instead of nipping them in the bud.

Whatever the case,

This beat's getting old.

Need a fresh spinner

And a table that turns.

I'm putting on a new record;

Gonna play a new track.

It's taken some time

But I've got my voice back.

With this realisation,

I am taking a stand,

Arguing with you

Feels like a battle through quicksand.

And I don't know how it happened

But man!

Somehow my feet have found their way

Onto firm land.

Away from the drama

I am loving the view

And I know you won't like it,

But we're gonna have to 

Change the dynamic between me and you.

Now just keep this right here;

Don't involve your mama.

Don't call up your crew 

Or your best friend, or your brother.

The business at hand 

Is an extra special brew.

Ain't no room at the table.

This is tea for two.

Miss-Tress: Concubine Chronicles 4

In Conclusion: Separation

source: http://forrestdoud.wordpress.com/2011/02/07/digital-divide-versus-digital-inequality/

It started with passion.

It was exciting.

It was new.

You were charming,

You were manly,

You could light up a room.

The first time I saw you,

In that moment I knew

There was nobody else for me.

It had to be you.

And you,

Seemed like you 

Were drawn to me instantly too.

We were good together.

It was easy.

Almost effortless.
It was natural.

No science,

No rational.

That's just how it went.

We'd go with the flow

And we felt how we felt.

Only trouble was

You weren't free

And I have to admit, 
You were never for me.

So I should have let it be

But I didn't take heed.

And that's the story;

The rest is history

So right now I gotta say baby,

This really isn't working for me

Anymore

'Cause it's just too messy.

Don't think I'm pointing fingers

I won't treat you unfairly

The blame weighs on both you and me equally. 

But right now you need to be with your family

And I need to gain perspective and clarity.

So I guess what I'm saying in all honesty,
Is...

I think this is the end of the line

For you and me.

Miss-Tress: Concubine Chronicles 3

Hard Choices: Out of the Mouths...

He say he gon' leave her

But you know that dog lie!

She is his main stay;

I can't believe that I

Didn't notice it sooner.

Why couldn't I see?

Took him giving her a new house

For their 25th anniversary!

Lord! The time that I wasted

Like a donkey, a mule!

And it was there all along.

God, I've been a damn fool!

Still...

I don't know if I have it in me

To start over again.

I've burned so many bridges;

Lost that many friends.

And now I done hit rock bottom

Talkin' to you

But since it's already out there,

Might as well follow through.

So then...

What you think sweet baby,

What's yo' mama to do?

Miss-Tress: Concubine Chronicles 2

Delusion: The Honey Trap

Baby you know I'd do anything for you

But I can't keep takin' the things you put me through.

Baby, I love you and though I know I should leave,

I keep coming back-

It's a deep-seated need

I have to believe

That what I give

I'll receive.

Though I grieve

And you deceive,

I'll conceive

From your seed

A new being 

And retrieve

My old wings

Buried deep

And awaken my virtue

From its long winter sleep.

When the day finally comes

When you see I'm the one

You need above all others,

Then you and I, 

We can be more than lovers;

When you finally end

The game you runnin' on her,

And stand up to claim me 

At the altar.