That Look

I love it when you get that look

In your eyes.

You know the one:

It's the one that leaves me dazed

And mesmerised;

The look that melts me from the inside out,

And crumbles walls 

And steals my doubt.

When you look at me that way,

I no longer want to hide,

I throw caution to the wind

And let you in with arms open wide.

And it's that look-

The one that makes me feel 

Like for once I'm really being seen,

Something I've longed for

Yet simultaneously feared.

But you've seen it all

And things haven't gone weird,

So that look you get when your eyes meet mine

Closes out the world and freezes time.

It's a place where I feel safe.

It's a place where I can escape;

Where I can do more than just exist-

It's a place where I can live.

I love that look you get 

In your eyes.

It's a look that I often surprise

When I catch you staring at me

When you don't think I'm paying attention

Then I know what we've got is real

Not an act or pretense of affection.

And I love that you can still be so shy

Despite all our history

And the years passing by.

That's how I know that I

Am so lucky - no blessed.

You're hands down the one for me

No contest.

And yes I realise you're imperfect; 

I'm aware of your flaws

But I firmly believe you're my gift sent from God.

I just love that look you get.

Yeah, you know the one.

In Ward (Silent Screams)

I hurt myself again today.

I didn't mean to this time, 

I swear!

It was just so easy

And I didn't think anybody would care.

I hurt myself today.

I really fought it though-

Until other thoughts got in the way.

But I swear I did, at first!

Of all the people on this planet,

I must be the worst.

I hurt myself

But it has nothing to do with you.

I hadn't done it in a while.

And it hurt like hell in the beginning
But then, it made me smile.

I hurt myself today

To lighten some of the load
And ease the burning in my body
From the fires consuming my soul.

And even though everyone else says
That I am only a child,

My legs they feel so heavy-

And I...
I'm just so tired.

I hurt myself today.

Don't ask me to explain

I won't help you understand

Because unless you yourself have been here,

I don't think you can.

I hurt myself again today;

Came pretty close to the edge.

And it's my fear 

And it's my hope

That one day I'll go far enough

To finally escape this earth.

I hurt myself today,

So I have lost my freedom.

They say I'm just looking for attention,

Suffering from boredom,

Trying to gain extra affection

And so I am deprived,
Chastised,
Left alone with my reflection.

I hurt myself again today.

I hear approaching footsteps.
Quick, and quiet.
Inwardly defiant,
Passive and obedient.

I hurt myself today
But nobody knows it.
Time I got back into bed.

Best that I stay silent.

Anyway there is no more to be said.
I'll numb expression, look content.
Hush now!
Roll over, play dead.

They're on their way to check my head.

The N Month

Source: http://jackiestamps4fun.wordpress.com

So it’s November-

Again

And I could have waited.

Autumn breezes are blowing cold;

Summer’s good-bye kiss has faded.

Darkness comes early

These days-

It’s the season of Night.

No use in chasing after daylit hours,

They’ve gone south, in search of Light.

And it’s November again.

I’m not sure just how this makes me feel-

I mean

It was ushered in by Halloween

And, for some, will climax in Thanksgiving.

But for me,

It says winter’s back.

Again.

And I’m not sure that makes me happy.

Snow, hot chocolate and mulled wine

Are all well and good,

But somehow I don’t relish having to cover up

With gloves and scarf and hood.

But it’s November again;

There’s no arguing that.

Yet when I'm reminded of the gift it gave

So many years ago

In the form of a tiny swaddled babe,

I can't help but think the fact

That it’s November again

Might not be as bad as all that.

Bitter Brew

 Bitterness is a nasty pill.

It rots the insides

And makes you ill.

It numbs you down

And settles in

With subtlety while mimicking

The inner workings of your will

So you can't discern this alien thing

From what proceeds from your own thinking.

Under lack of vigilance it grows until 

Your mind and heart it comes to fill

Then metamorphoses

While it decomposes

The very fibre of your being,

Fermenting only to distill

As anger, hatred and envying:

By-products that keep poisoning 

But make you high off your scheming.

They slowly eat away your soul

And then go on to devour you whole

Flesh, blood, bones and all.

Bereft of any self-control

You begin the final fall:

When you have nothing left to give,

They call for payment of the bill

You feel the noose start narrowing

And with cold precision, they make the kill.

Talked Out

source: myburnoutthing.com

I've traced the circles of the story;

Measured it from end to end.

I got diametre and radius

And drew out chords as well.

Right now I am talked out.

I've answered questions,

Made projections,

Cast conjectures,

Listened to lectures;
Been subject to pressures.

And I am just talked out.

I've heard arguments

And lodged my defence.

My closet houses numerous jars

Crammed with everybody else's two cents.

But I am quite talked out.

I've told the story so many times

I wish I could record myself

Then play the tape at whiles

So I don't have to tell it again.

Some might call it rude when

I let out a sigh before I start

But all you need to know is that

I, For my part,

Am all talked out.

This thing has been hashed and rehashed
So many times that by now
I doubt if there's an inch of it left
That could be considered new ground.
Child I am so talked out.

I am all talked out.
I've told it well,
I've told it badly;
There's no more to be said.
And although you may not see it yet,
I just have to say my friend
That you can keep on whipping it
But this dear old horse is dead.

What?!

Source: http://drawception.com

What are you lookin' at?

Is my head too big 

Or my booty too fat?

What?

Do I have something on my face?

Could you really be this rude,

Or are you some kinda head case?

What?

Is there something I can help you wit' yo?

No I am not a prostitute

And no,

You most certainly cannot have a blow!

What the hell you keep lookin' at?

Did somebody tape a kick-me sign to my back?

What?!

If there's a problem just say it already!

If my hair is on fire, you really oughta tell me.

What?

This staring has to stop.

Spit it out man, enough is enough!

What?

Say you weren't even checkin for me?

Gosh, then I guess I should say that I'm sorry.

Know what?

Now I feel like a fool.

Did you have to make me look like such a giant tool?

What?

Oh, my fly's open you say?

Just when I thought I was done eating crow for the day.

Tell you what,

I really appreciate you lettin' me know

But I'm afraid that right now it's 'bout time for me to go.

Again (Einstein's Insanity)

I've done it again.

I've gone 

And put my foot in where

I ought to have refrained.

I tried my hardest

And yet failed.

I gave my love

But it proved vain.

I trod ground 

Where armies quailed

And braver men fell

While women wailed.

But nothing ventured,

Nothing gained

So I went at it

Unashamed.

Now I find,
To my dismay,
And despite lessons learnt
Along the way,
That pushing on 
Against the grain,

I've gone and done it 
Once again.

Perfect Strangers

I come here on a whim

And find you checking out the scene,

Taking everything in.

There really is nothing about you

To give insight into your life.

Don't know if you're a parent,

If you've got a husband or wife?

Don't know if you like the mornings

Or if you're a creature of the night.

Perhaps you're an outcast

And prefer life on the run;

Maybe you want a partner

But haven't found the right one.

Or could you be living
With a secret identity:

One side ringed by firewalls
To maintain your privacy;

Another for the world
And for friends and family?

Kinda gets me wondering,
If this is really so,

Am I looking at you right now?
Or your alter-ego?

No matter what the truth is

And whatever the case,

We find ourselves together

At the same time, in the same place.

Could be pure luck and chance

Or the meddlesome hand of fate,

But which of the two has dealt us these cards

Is not up for debate.

All that matters is that
We both are here today.

I open my mouth to talk to you,

But damn,

What do I say?

Incommunicado

If I don't pick up 

On the first ring,

If I stop the text messages

And the e-mailing,

If I shut down my Twitter

And the Facebook thing,

If I get a little tired 

Of questions and enquiring,

Don't take it personally,

It's not directed at you.
It's just that for the moment

I have some thinking to do.

Jamz: Next To You

It's been a little while since I've included any musical content on here so I figured why not put down a link today? As usual there is very little method to my madness so don't bother looking for it. Just sayin'.

This track came into my life via the medium of Twitter, which I'm coming to appreciate as a source of groovy goodness. (Yes I said it. What?).  Up and coming artist Russell Steedle brings some great vocals on this electro-rock-pop number that I keep playing over and over and over... You get the point.

And being the loyal customer that I am, I will certainly be keeping eyes on his Facebook page and Youtube channel to see what's to come. Here's to great expectations Russell.

People-Free (*Bleep* Intolerance)

People annoy me.

They get on my nerves.

Some would call me a grouch,

A name I doubtless deserve.

But for all that I'm no nearer to enjoying

The chatter, the clutter, the bustle and jostle,

The odours pungent and the scents sweet and cloying

That come with negotiating 

One's way through a crowd

Of swarming humans

Boisterous and sweaty and loud.

No. I'm not what you'd call

A person for people,

I'd much rather fly free

Like a noble lone eagle.

Anaesthesia

I tried to be funny

But that didn't work.

I tried to be sexy

And that was the real joke.

Thought a new hairdo

Was sure to do the trick-

Maybe change the colour too

While I was at it.

I put on a new face, 

Got me some new digs

And for a hot minute

It made me feel big.

I smiled and I pretended,

I faked being unaffected

Straight faced, impassive

Like I wasn't offended.

Had me some good times,

Painted the town red

Found I rather liked being unwed.

Posed for the camera,

Drank the flashes in

Only to realise I'd been waiting

For my life to begin.

Ghost (Unbelonging)

I walk by you on the street

But you look right through me.

Something in your eyes

Tells me you don't even see me.

I try to say hello

But my words fall to the floor.

It's like I'm talking to myself,

Can anybody help?

This feels something like death.

If only it would end!

I'm a ghost now.

A roving ghost- how

Do I get back to life

And become something new?

I'm a spectre.

A shadow on the border of your vision.

A discharged soldier.

A solo goer.

A spy without a mission.

I watch the life I used to lead:

The loves, the hates,

The shallow greed,

Go on like pictures on a screen.

I haunt the old, familiar places

But I don't recognise the faces.

The past has gone and left no traces.

Time drags on but also races,

Leaving me...

Just a lonely ghost now.

A ghost child looking through a window

At a life he could have lived;

That once was his

Till things he did

Changed everything

And so he's stuck out on a bridge

In between existences.

And nothing fills

The void within

Cause neither side is truely his.

So I linger on

Though I don't belong

Here anymore.

I reminisce

On days like this

And wish...

A ghost child

Amongst the blind,

Looking at 

What isn't mine.

A ghost child.

Detached, benign

I see it all

And can't help but smile.

Lo' Rydin' (Crack Attack)

I don't wanna see yo' butt crack.

No homie I don't want none o' that.

I really don't wanna see yo' butt crack.

Naw sista ain't nobody want that.

Drop it low, but ya can't pick it up.

Girl my eyes done seen enough.

Yo' a$$ floss ain't a pretty sight

No thong th-thong thanks

Sisqo ain't here tonight.

I don't wanna see yo' butt crack.

I didn't ask for it so put it right back.

No I don't wanna see no butt crack.

Didn't no one ask you for no peek at yo' back pack.

Alright so you got undies signed by Calvin Klein,

But that right there ain't no concern o' mine.

Underwear it ain't meant to be seen

Are you a trainee streaker or are you just plain obscene?

Chile I don't wanna see yo' butt crack.

It's much too much so could you dial it way back?

The world don't need to see no butt crack.

It ain't all that as a matter of fact.

Curvacious apple bottom,

Washboard flat,

Wide loads, 

Narrow holds,

2-D booty,

HD depth enhancement
It's all good

Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Just askin' you to save some mystery

For in between the sheets

And help out all the rest of us 

By keepin' it off o' the streets.

Prevent the trauma 

And bumper drama

And cover up your seat.

No butt crack.

Ain't you never heard 

That crack is whack?

We don't wanna have no butt crack

There must be something better we can look at.

Said we don't need none o' that butt crack.

Ain't no sinner in hell who done deserved that.

Market Exchange

A chance encounter.

That's all it was.

A busy market, 

A question posed,

A passer-by who overheard.

A conversation did ensue- 

You walked with me,

I learned from you.

You shared stories of your life;

Gave me a bit of good advice.

We talked something of 

The chances of the world:

The good, the tragic, 

How the unknowable often occurs.

You encouraged a heart 

Sunk in a deep pit

Never guessing how much

He needed it.

You encouraged me 

And repolished a dream

That by disillusion had lost its gleam.

This meeting was a ray of pure light

Piercing confused darkness

With clear insight.

I do not know if we shall meet again

But, dear lady, I wish you well.

Though you may not know

How much our chat meant,

I say with certainty

It was time well spent.

Repositioning

Take the time

To free your mind.

Let yourself

Just unwind.

Tell your troubles

To get in line,

You'll deal with them

In a short while.

This moment

Is about the child

You used to be;

Who hides inside

And just behind

The tattered edges of your smile.

So drop the baggage.

Lose the weight.

Eat those veggies

On your plate.

When you're done,

Enunciate,

Belly full

And I feel great!

Upended

I've lost my way-

Again.

But this time something's different.

Every other time

There's been a landmark,

Something familiar: 
A signpost or some indicator.

This time though,

There's simply nothing.
Nothing in earth, sea or sky.

Nothing I can recognise.

I've lost my way again.

Shadows

Come creeping from the bushes

Like hyenas come to feast upon 

The carcass of a dying sun.

Mossy tree trunks give no indication

Of the proper orientation.

The stars above are strange

And I can't trust the constellations.

I've lost my way again.

If you look carefully,

You'll see me standing, listening,

Waiting to be saved.

Melody River

Music flows through my soul-

Sometimes it trickles,

Sometimes it rolls;

Surges in and takes control.

It's waves that pound against rocky shoals.

Footsteps mark time on the pavement,

Hearts beat a rhythm and keep a wavelength,

Train on a track buss a rimshot,

With contrapunctal measures from the ticking clock.

Honking horns and blaring sirens

Add new harmonies and something from the winds.

Rumbling motors are the baseline

The music it moves through every aspect of my life.

In the sunshine 

Or in the grey rain,

The music courses through my body 

And pulses in my veins.

It weaves colourful tapestries 

I see when I close my eyes.

Just when I think I've learnt the melodies,

It unveils a fresh surprise.

Don't matter where I am

Under moon or in brightest day,

I tune out the humdrum 

And just let the music play.

Free from leaden inhibition

I revel in the tuneful spray;

Awash in this melodic rhythm,

I let go and start to sway.

Wheels

Gingerly

First steps onto dry land.

Longingly

Feelings of apprehension.

Steadily

Slow acclimatisation.

Confidently

Reaffirming bearings, solo navigation.

Patiently

Helping hand to new generation.

Lovingly

Circle full, beautiful completion.

Interlude for the Interim

In this moment, I feel.

In this moment, I know.

It's in the way the currents run.

It's in the winds that blow.

A change is in the air,

I've caught its scent 

And I am certain.

A new act is about to start,

They're drawing back the curtain.

The tide of time is turning.

The midnight oil is burning.

The old order is soon to pass.

A new day is dawning.

Time to get rid of the trash

To make room for what's coming.

Let those who have an ear to hear

Take heed of this warning.

Cocooning

Bomb blast cataclysm,

Wars, infighting and schisms,

My world a nuclear holocaust

Chart and compass have been lost.

Feel completely paralysed,

Magnetic residue depolarised.

Haze and ash from smoking fires

Veil the stars up in the skies.

Wrapped in what remains of hope,

I gather my forces and regroup.

Gotta do some figuring

To understand where I'm going 

Once renewed I will come forth,

Spread my wings and fly due North. 

Face Off

I've been afraid of you.

Never wanted to admit it

Cause I thought it made me weak.

But I'm afraid of you.

I've been terrified of you.

The look in your eye, 

The edge in your voice,

The way you hold yourself,

It all terrifies me.

I am scared witless by you.

You drain my confidence

Have me second-guessing every decision,

Every step,

Babbling, rambling, losing my cool,

Losing my control.

I have feared you for so long.

Forever it seems.

But it's a problem.

And the status quo 

Isn't always the way to go.

Fear has run its course.

I need to face you,

And face you I shall.

I might tremble a little,

I might be tempted to pee a little

But I'll come out of it strong.

Army of One

It only takes one voice

To make a difference,

One tiny dislodged pebble

That loosens another 

And brings on an avalanche.

One time is all it takes

For a habit to begin to form

And a single word,

Spoken with boldness- 

A single no,

A simple yes-

Can trigger change

Through the power of influence.

Scar Tissue

I didn't know 

You could affect me like this.

I hadn't realised 

How deep you'd gotten under my skin.

It wasn't til I took a closer look

At the places I'd been,

That I got the real picture

Of the damage within.

I've had time to heal 

From the havoc, burns and breakings

But deep inside there's still a dull aching

That I cannot reach

And it's taking all I've got to stop myself shaking

From the chills that I feel 

At the memory of you

Buried deep underneath

Layers of scar tissue.

Once you were out of my life,

I simply moved on.

I never thought about you.

Not even once.

But for some reason lately,

You've been on my mind;

I can't seem to shut you out.

Believe me, 

I've tried.

I tell myself over and over again

There's no need,

No need at all for me to dwell

On stuff that happened way back when.

But it isn't that simple

And I cried

When I understood how much it's affected my life.

I took it for granted 

When my wounds disappeared,

That all was forgiven,

I had nothing to fear,

The past was behind me,

The future was here.

But it was just this scar tissue

Numbing me at the point where

There was a major issue

And I couldn't see clear.

Now I see for myself

How much I surrendered 

Through ignorance of my health,

How all of the pain that I had disguised

Had me running on fumes.

Fumes made from lies

That created a spectre like a monstrous tower

That loomed high above me 

In whose shadow I cowered.

Now I've found the courage

To reclaim my power.

Now I won't let you daunt me

No matter how much you glower.

 Now I have the remedy 

That truth brought home to me:

Love and forgiveness

Have healed me fully.

Now the hurt and the pain 

Are gone finally.

And the marks on my flesh,

Those dark, ugly scars

They are bookmarks of lessons learnt

And now, that's all they are.