Ownership

Say it.

Say it out loud.

It doesn't have to be
Voluminous and vociferous,

But put it out there nonetheless.

Say it. 

You've been hiding.

It's ok.

You needed protection.

But that bandage isn't helping anymore

And the old wound is festering.

Air it out.

Let the light in.

Shake out the dust;

Get rid of the mould. 

It's time to move forward.

Time to grow.

It's painful.

And uncomfortable

But that's how it goes.

It is necessary and needful

And it will heal you.

So go ahead and say it.
Say it out loud.

Take the power back;

It's your time now.

Big Boy Pants

I'd been expecting you

But you never showed up 

Why didnt you come?

Guess you called my bluff.

I spent my time

Hovering, it seems,

Between murky reality

And half lucid dreams.

Guess I was dodging the rough.

I'd always imagined 

That when you got here

Mysteries would unfold;

That my path would be clear.

Guess that was delusional stuff.

Eyes to the people

For a solution

Turned out to be nothing

But noise and confusion.

Then I decided 

To look on the inside

But found I couldn't live off

Hurt feelings and pride.

Guess I wasn't enough.

Severed the cord

But only in word

Time to cash in my actions;

See what my mouth's really worth.

Guess it's time for tough love. 

Broken

How do you fix something 

you don't even know is broken?

There's a rattling.

It's been going on for a while now;

Started out as something imperceptible

But I can hear it now.

Matter of fact, it's gotten quite loud.

There's a rattling sound.

Got so used to it over the years

That I'd quite forgotten it was ever there.

But I can hear it again.

It's gotten quite loud.

Loud enough to hear 

Above the buzzing of the crowd.

There's a rattliing sound.

And what it portends

I fear

Is that somewhere, something is broken

That I just can't seem to mend

Where it lies hidden, veiled and unseen

But this awareness,

This thing I've been trying not to feel

Is all I can think about.

It's become only too real.

There's a rattling tho'

And I can't put my finger on

The cause of the noise

Or tell where it's coming from.

But I'm certain in full

Not in seeming or in part

And it's a certainty that haunts me

Like the tell-tale heart.

And there's this damn rattling

Way down below

And it's chipping away 

At my self-control.

Meanwhile that piece that's been broken

And just can't be found

Has me losing my mind 

As I wander around

Searching in vain

For that rattling sound.

A Time to Forgive

There's a time and purpose

To everything:

A time to wound,

A time to heal;

A time to gather,

A time to spill,

A time to nurture,

A time to kill.

I've spent a lifetime battling

The way I feel-

I've cried, I have shouted,

I have made myself ill.

I've lied and denied 

To make the loss look like a win

So I wouldn't have to deal with

The pain I was in.

I said I was fine

When really I was strugglin',

Turned a blind eye to weakness;

Tried to cover up sin,

Until I got to the point

Where I started drownin'

Dangerously close

To the point of no returning.

Then, faced with a choice,

And no pretense to shroud it,

Between accepting the lifeline

Floating where I could reach it

And falling into darkness

With no light to ease it.

Fiercely determined 

That I would yet live,

I reached for the cord

And I tightened my grip. 

Now one thing remained 

To get out of guilt

I had to lighten my load

For I was too heavy to lift.

So releasing the tension,

I stopped gritting my teeth

And felt life returning

As I chose to forgive.  

Scar Tissue

I didn't know 

You could affect me like this.

I hadn't realised 

How deep you'd gotten under my skin.

It wasn't til I took a closer look

At the places I'd been,

That I got the real picture

Of the damage within.

I've had time to heal 

From the havoc, burns and breakings

But deep inside there's still a dull aching

That I cannot reach

And it's taking all I've got to stop myself shaking

From the chills that I feel 

At the memory of you

Buried deep underneath

Layers of scar tissue.

Once you were out of my life,

I simply moved on.

I never thought about you.

Not even once.

But for some reason lately,

You've been on my mind;

I can't seem to shut you out.

Believe me, 

I've tried.

I tell myself over and over again

There's no need,

No need at all for me to dwell

On stuff that happened way back when.

But it isn't that simple

And I cried

When I understood how much it's affected my life.

I took it for granted 

When my wounds disappeared,

That all was forgiven,

I had nothing to fear,

The past was behind me,

The future was here.

But it was just this scar tissue

Numbing me at the point where

There was a major issue

And I couldn't see clear.

Now I see for myself

How much I surrendered 

Through ignorance of my health,

How all of the pain that I had disguised

Had me running on fumes.

Fumes made from lies

That created a spectre like a monstrous tower

That loomed high above me 

In whose shadow I cowered.

Now I've found the courage

To reclaim my power.

Now I won't let you daunt me

No matter how much you glower.

 Now I have the remedy 

That truth brought home to me:

Love and forgiveness

Have healed me fully.

Now the hurt and the pain 

Are gone finally.

And the marks on my flesh,

Those dark, ugly scars

They are bookmarks of lessons learnt

And now, that's all they are.

Word of Mouth

Sorry.

You say you're sorry

But it doesn't change 

The way that things have been.

Sorry's just a word.

And words themselves are wind.

Your promises

And careless whispers

Made me feel like I was just your mistress,

When what you want me to believe

Is that I was the love of your life.

These are just more empty words

And words, they are a knife.

You're trying hard to reconcile

Your empty gestures 

With what you feel inside.

You're on the platform 

But you've missed the train.

Your words come too late.

They are spoken in vain.

You say you truly want to make amends.

There's sincerity in your voice

And that's just as well.

And words can now begin to repair

The bridge that takes us to a place where

You and I can florish in.

It all begins with a few simple words:

Words are a balm.

They are nourishing.

Taking Chances/Flip the Script

I prayed to God in Heaven

For someone like you.

I asked for someone gentle,

Someone kind,

Someone with the gift of laughter,

Someone wise.

I asked for love 

To come into my life.

I begged for a soulmate,

A friend and wife.

Then one day,

You finally came

When I least expected you to.

Since then, 

Things haven't been the same

And it's all because of you.

Now I go about

With my head in the clouds.

Drunk off the euphoria

I get from having you around,

I've shed my worries

Like so many extra pounds.

I'm giddy and acting silly

Though I try to stay grounded 

And keep my feet steady.

There's a hole in my stomach telling me

I wasn't ready

For something this real,

This powerful, this heavy.

My track record isn't too neat
In fact, it's dirt-streaked and spotty.
But then again, 
I might just be looking for an excuse
To bail on this journey.

So I think I should try 
For a fresh start,
Do things differently
And unlock my heart.

Pardon Undetermined

I'd be lying if I said 

I was completely over it.

Time is at work.

This much is certain.

But beyond that,

I can't give you any specifics

As to how long it'll be 

'Til I let you go free

From the hook of the resentment I still bear you.

I realise that such frankness is unusual.

That I'm not being very "p.c."

But I'm not in the mood

To sully my brain

Trying to shovel bullshit your way

For the sake of appearances

And socially approved formalities.

We're past that.

You said your piece.

I've spoken my mind.

So, maybe now 

We can move on with our lives.

I know I preach forgiveness,

And this attitude of mine

Feels like a load of hypocrisy

But you must realise

Some wounds cut much deeper than others,

And for a hurt of this kind

Any remedy I may need to apply

Will only take effect over time.

So then the question is not

If I'll forgive you, 

For I doubtlessly will,

But when.

When...
And how long until then?

Divestment

It's time...

For all the years spent trying:

Be stalwart, be calm,

Patient and kind,

Yet ever armed;

Be wise and subtle,

Be firm and yet humble;

Be genuine but know how to fake,

Bend like the green willow but never break;

Never let them see behind your game face... 

All the while knowingly lying

For the sake of conforming

To social grace.

The walls I built with reinforced steel

Turned into a prison that would not yield

Even to my hand, 

When, at last a man,

I came to understand

That in weakness there can be strength

In awkwardness, stealth

And underneath poverty, untold wealth.

When at last I opened my eyes

Finally beginning to realise

That I'd read the signs wrong

That I'd been brainwashed all along

Into thinking I needed to kill

All the while amassing debt in an unpayable bill,

Keeping me enslaved, effacing my will;

Leaving me numb, soulless and ill

But demanding more and even more still...

So I decided

It's time:

Time to let go

Time to strip off all the masks and pretense and ego

Time to look into the mirror and finally know

What's really there so I can undergo

The metamorphosis that must inevitably follow...

Time to put all I've learnt to the test.

Time to come face to face with my best.

Time to be strong and leave fear powerless.  

Time to be vulnerable, not time to hide.

And at the edge of this decision, I cried.

Shameless...

Hypothetically Speaking

What if I stopped trying to hide

And simply let go of my folly and pride?

What if today were the day

I gave up on the games

And stopped being so preoccupied with issues of shame?

What if I stopped trying so hard

And simply let go and let God?

What if today were the day

All your dreams came true?

Would it be worth all the things you had to go through?

What if you found out

You only had hours to live,

Would you still be proud of all the things you did?

What if you lost the thing

You've been holding on to with all your might,

Would you still have the courage to plod on and fight?

What if after all the years 

Of being adamant and headstrong,

We suddenly woke up to find we were wrong?

What if we gave our best

Even when the way got rough,

And found that our best was not good enough?

What if we had all the answers,

Would we still have questions?

And if we had no questions,

Could we still learn life's lessons?

What if we abandoned all lies

And lived only for truth

Would we be humble enough 

To accept the truth about me and you?

What if we stopped being enemies

And tried to be friends

Would the time we had left suffice to make full amends?

What if you were me and I were you

Do you think we each could walk a whole mile in the other's shoe?