All In

I'm trying not to be sad.

But it's a battle I can't win.

A part of me is focused

On all the positive things- 

The prospect of the unknown

Gives me an electric thrill.

But another part,

The one I can't control,

Chokes on all the bitter fumes

Of dreams going up in smoke.

So much effort wasted

Planting seeds that have not grown.

And so I'm spinning,

Disoriented.

Oscillating between

Peace, contentment

And dread of the unseen:

Teetering in tenuous equilibrium

Waiting for the drop.

Only question is, 

When?

When will the wheel of fate

Finally come to a stop?

Then, 
What hand will the dealer pay out?

And,
 If it comes to sudden death,

Could I stick it out?

But in the moments just before the fall

It all goes eerily quiet

As I purposefully choose to trust,
Drawing strength from a world gone silent.
I accept the things I do not know.
I let Faith fill me up.

I relinquish all the might-have-beens
And,

Surrendering, 

I take the plunge.