Code Red

Got to catch a break.

Had as much as I can take.

Feel like I need to vacate,

Clear out my head space and wait.

Was this leap of faith 

A hallucinogenic mistake?

I'm down on my knees for pity's sake.

Reputation down the drain;

Don't know how I manage to keep sane.

All I know is that my brain

Has been set to self-destruct

And if You don't help me 

Then I'm F#@?*!

For Show

 

Tall order

Stand in corner 

Pay the piper, call the mourner

Patch the blanket, hem the border

Hate the last but love the former

Embrace an enemy, flee a lover

Lift the cover

Find another-

Carol or a girl named Lorna

For the richer not the poorer

Sell yourself to save your honour

All these rules are such a bother

Grind your thoughts up into fodder

Send a letter to your mother

Find in strangers unlikely brothers

Eat the food that they now offer

Forget about the things you wonder

Prove you're stronger, faster, tougher

You'll win out, you will last longer

Change of Heart

For all the time I've foolishly spent,

For all the energy to folly lent,

The thoughts that have to evil bent

And seedy places where I went.

For speaking in haste words that were not meant; 

For rejecting what was heaven sent.

For these and the sins that I left to ferment,

I bow my knees. I now repent.

Overthinking

I don't know whether to laugh or cry

And at times people may think that I'm high

As a kite,

When I take off on flights

Of fancy or go off on rants

Or maybe, just maybe, perchance

I'm just taking the time to enhance

My point of view

So I can see clearly through

To the end of the road

Or as far as the horizon goes.

Maybe I'm searching for wisdom

To get me to the Kingdom.

Looking through the eyes of children,

My only real kindred,

Waiting for a change of season;

Trying hard to find a reason-

The how, the what, the why of it all

So I don't just crumple up and fall

Out of sight, out of mind,

Forgotten by the rest of human kind.

I tell myself I'm playing nice

But perhaps this is just another vice

Like women, drugs and liquor drinking

But then again,
Maybe I'm just overthinking...

For the sake of

Lift head from pillow,
Body from bed,
Foot from floor.
Go through the motions,
Just because...

New day begun.
Time moving on.
Need to fill the hours
With a contrivance of purpose.
For the sake of...

Put pen to paper,
Finger to key,
Shoulder to the grinding wheel,
Laboriously grating thought into motion,
Because...

...We need to...

...Find meaning
Amid acts of monotony.
Giving value to things
We struggle to hold onto,
Only to find them withered
And shrivelled by the arid breath of Time.

Guard your feelings
And shield your heart
So long,
You find the locks have rusted
And the hinges on the door are stuck
When Love comes knocking.

So for the sake of survival,
We act.
For the sake of comfort in safety,
We build walls and construct artful devices.
But the dust settles
While we bide our time and wait
In cringing fear
For it all to hit the fan
And come splattering down upon us.

Hoping against hope
That our umbrellas will be wide enough
To shield us from the fallout.

To Be Good

I want to be ok.

Not just for an hour,

Or only for today.

I want to be ok,

Beyond the plastic smiles 

And the words I force my mouth to say.

I need to be ok

'Cause I'm just so tired of waiting

For a promise of healing on the way.

I want to be full
No matter what the issue is
Or if times are bad or good.

I need to be alright
Whether I walk through darkness
Or dance in sunlight.

I want to be ok,
Though I may not be understood.
Let me be ok
For today, tomorrow
And for good.

Looking Glass

When I look into the mirror

At the face staring back at me

On the other side of the treated glass

I see many things.

Sometimes I like what I see:

Beauty, elegance,

Strength and character,

A sparkle of charisma,

Glowing personality.

Who wouldn't be attracted

By such a stunning likeness?

Then I realise it.

Something is wrong-

Is it the reflection?

Or is it something

On my side of the glass?

I find the need to adjust the light

And then I can see

All that remained hidden by the shadows:

Blemishes and scars

That I preferred not to think about;

Parts that need washing, cleansing, purifying;

That my hair needs to be combed,

My teeth brushed,

My breath freshened,

I need a shave too...

I shut my eyes and reach for the switch

Desperate to regain the image

That for so long had held my gaze,

But something is wrong,

For that reflection has lost its appeal.

And all my pride and vanity

Cannot prevail

Against the truth revealed by the Light.

Oh to God I had remained in ignorance!

But it is not so.

And now the choice is mine to make-

Between Truth and Lies,

Freedom and Bondage...

Knowing that either choice will be difficult.

And that no matter which one I choose,

Something in me

Will have to die.

Dead Weight Rising

i feel like i've been asleep

and i'm slowly starting to wake up

to find i no longer recognise the world

layers of dead weight

and dried out husks of things

that once I gathered around me 

to clothe and keep me warm,

which made me feel safe and protected

now feel so heavy 

and drag my listless body down, down 

down into the deep.

as the fog slowly clears  from my head 

i begin to wonder when this happened

and how I got here.

yet somehow none of it seems to matter

in the light of my desperate need

for air.

Silly Shorts

Water for elephants.

Honey for bears.

Fresh air for swallows.

A harness for reindeer?

***

I think that I shall never see

A thing of beauty such as thee.

I think that I shall never know

Why clowns ride in the rodeo.

***

When life gives you lemons,

Make lemonade.

But if all you get is juice,

Do you just throw a parade?

***

I know I called it a window before,

But on second thoughts,

It might really be more of a door.

Superman

Don't need no help to lift this load

I can manage just fine on my own.

Ask me how I'm doing; I'll say I'm well.

And that's the truth for all you can tell.

I'll come to you when you're sad and blue;

In the midnight hour when you're going through.

I'll be a friend tried and true

Call for me and I'll fly to the rescue.

I'm never sick, I'm never tired.

Oh no, not me, I'm hyped, I'm wired.

Past all this veneer, you'll never see.

And do you really want to when you're living comfortably

With me in this role,

Though it's taking its toll

And eating away at me body and soul?

So I strain and I struggle,

I run and I stumble,

I fall and I tumble,

Go for the the catch but I fumble.

And I make sure that all this goes unheeded

Because you need me and I need to be needed.

I feel the burden and stifle a sigh

Because I've been told that I 

Will be all grown up by and by 
And big boys, well, they just don't cry.

Ethereal

Sleepless, dreamless.

Hungover, breathless.

Ageless, tireless.

Young and restless.

Traceless, seamless.

Pure, perfect, flawless.

Silkiness, smoothness,

Mirror image spotless.

Shameless, timeless.

Lift anchor weightless.

Gimmie

More, more, gimmie more

Far beyond what I had before.

More, more, so much more!

Multiply it by three and four.

More, more, even more

Wanna have money and treasures galore.

More, more, gimmie more and more

Ain't no way in hell

I'm goin' back to being poor!

Wundervision

Outside, inside, upside down;

Imagination streaking through town.

Fantastic colours running wild

With naked abandon just like a child.

Bright lights dance with glee

To delight those with eyes to see.

With sparkling vision reality

Unveils the wonder in the ordinary.

Mellow Fellow

I'm stressed out;

Stuck on overload.

Feel like my head 

Is about to explode.

So I find some distraction, 

Begin to unload

And before you know it, 

I'm good as gold.

Roll & Tumble

The touch of your hands against my skin

Releases a sigh as I give in 

To the feel of your body pressed up against mine

And all fades to silence- we are frozen in time.

Your warm breath against my neck

Gets juices flowing til I finally relent

And explore all your features in full length and breadth:

The muscles, the curves,

The tingling nerves

That cause a reaction

Spontaneous contraction

And heats up the action 

While we pick up the pace.

No rush- it's no race.

We come face to face

And your fingers, they trace

The contours of my back,

Every nook, every crack.

Into pleasure we lapse

Til at last we lose track

Of how, what and when

And it's impossible to tell

Where you begin and I end.

But we're both aware of when the rhythm peaks

And hold on tight, reluctant to retreat,

Til we finally surrender to the moment of release

And stop to enjoy the tender glow of bliss.

Then you reignite the embers with another flaming kiss

And we start the cycle over

And never miss a single beat.

Flights of Fancy

Supersonic spaceships, 

Psychadelic lights.

Carbon dated treasure chests

Unearthed where lies the blood-red "X".

Sugar-coated unicorns,

Sparkly rainbows; leprechauns.

Knights in mail and bright armour

Battling beasts for love and honour.

Transported to lands of fantasy:

Yellow roads and fields of poppy;

Magic potions, witches brew,

Hunting down elusive clues.

Giants, dwarves, trolls and ents;

Willow wands and staves all bent;

Wizards, royals and peasants,

Good and evil or straddling the fence.

Ogre hunters and vampire slayers,

 Far-sighted prophets and soothsayers,
Galactic conquerers and rebel forces
Singing chipmunks, talking horses...

Fair folk and creatures of myth and legend,
Characters that I have long treasured,

Spring from these pages clear and vivid
And in my mind's eye real and living. 

In every corner and round each bend
Await citizens from places of pretend.
And from this side of the world of mortals
I make a break through secret portals.

When at last I turn back to this realm of unrest
I return somewhat saddened and yet refreshed
Prepared to face the upcoming tests 
Aware that I 
Am imagination blessed.

Compromise

You asked, I gave.

You called,

I came.

You needed attention,

I dropped everything I was doing.

I painted,

Waxed,

Chiseled,

Cut,

Molded and remolded

To meet your specifications.

And now that I’ve bent

And stretched

And compressed to excess,

I feel thin,

I feel drawn,

I feel drained.

Now it’s my turn to ask,

And you ignore.

I call,

But receive no answer.

I cry,

But wipe my tears and runny nose in my own shirt.

So now I’m packed,

And pulling away.

If you wonder why,

You don’t express it.

And I walk out the door

Feeling empty.

It seems like I’m always wrong

Even when I’m in the right;

Like I’m the villain

Though I bear the victim’s scars,

And become the scapegoat

When I should be treated for the wounds I’ve received.

So once again

I find myself alone.

This time I hope

The lesson has been learnt:

Give and love freely

But choose your investments with care.

Fulfilment

Tall, short, Top-model thin, 

Plump or full-figured,

Eyes of brown, grey or green,

Hair straight or curly,

Plaited, braided or puffed out afro-style

Make it flaming red

Like a saucy, sultry, southern vixen.

Escape to imagined worlds

Through the pages of a book,

Or the window

Of a computer or TV screen,

Or grab a flight on the wings

Of some catchy tune on the radio.

Go clubbing.

Party hard

And shake it till my booty drops,

Let pulsating rhythms, gyrating bodies,

Drinks that kick and psychedelic lights

Numb me mind and soul against reality.

Chatter on.

Endless, mindless drivel

Of the purest and most exclusive sort.

Let it drone on,

Drowning out the nagging feeling

Of emptiness that tugs at my shirt sleeves.

To sleep, perchance to dream...

And then perhaps to wake

And stay woke.

To seek and find

Purpose fulfilled

In the innermost parts of my being.

Afraid

I’m afraid.
But I don’t want to be.
I just seem to have ignored
So many things:
Things in need of repair,
Things that need a new coat of paint,
Or ones that should be tossed out period.

…But that means change,
And I’m afraid.

So many mistakes I’ve left behind
Unresolved.
So much brokenness
Lies in my wake
Unattended.
So much is festering under the surface
Uncared for,
Unaddressed,
That I’m afraid will all explode in my face
If I try to touch it now.

I know what I have to do.
Yet here I stand
Petrified,
Too silly and cowardly to move
An inch forward or back.
I need to conquer my fears.
I have to beat this soon,
If I’m to thrive…

But I stand quivering on the brink,
Scared to death by the overwhelming
Magnitude of it all;
Overpowered by the reeking stench
Of all my shit.

I’m stuck here shivering like a child…

                                                          …In need of my Father’s hand.

Thoughts of Innocence

White clouds floating by

Like fluffy pillows in the sky.

Kinda wonder what it'd be like

To take a power nap up high.

Grain de Folie

Out my mind.

Ain't it divine!

People always said

It was a matter of time.

Lost & Found

The broken bones 

And scenes of gore,

The rolls, the tumbles and the falls,

The bloody bandages I wore

From banging my head against brick walls.

Yet, stone is stone

And will remain; 
All assault soon proves vain,

For it stands unconquerable and stolid

Despite how long you beat against it.

So then, if I can't go through,

I'll have to get over it.

And if I can't get over

Because I'm too far under,

I'll find a way around.

Though lost I may be for the moment,

Any day now, I know I'll be found.

Reality Check

So self sufficient.

So tall, 

So secure.

You've never had to break a sweat

To open any door.

You walk into a party 

With a girl draped over each arm

And all opponents simply melt

Before your scintillating charm.

Your smile lights up a room 

Like a ray of sun on a cloudy day.

Women swoon and even the men

Are held captive to your sway. 

But in time 

Even the strongest battlements

Fall into ruin somehow.

And in the gathering twilight

Who really got you now?

Funhouse Prism

 

Light shines in

And I go to pieces
In my cocoon 
Of swaddling fleeces.

Another day begins

And I'm so not ready.
I take a deep breath;
Try to keep my feet steady.

Don't tell me

That I'll just have to

Toughen up and take it

'Cause honestly

I don't have the strength

To fake it.

Another day has come

And I'm still on the run.

I'm just so tired of trying,

Trying just to make it.

Tell me what your secret is.

How d'you stop yourself from going crazy?
With force of character and sheer strength of will?
Or little purple pills maybe?

Is it just that you are

An actor extraordinaire?

Are you certified in make believe?

An architect of castles in the air?

Perhaps you are a master

of the art of slight?

Or are you yourself a kind of mirage

A warp inside my mind

Made visible by shifting shadows

Or some strange trick of the light?

Whatever your strategy
You pull it off so flawlessly
That I can't help but marvel at
The smoothness of the act.

Meanwhile I
Can't help but cry
While stuck inside this maze
Dreaming only of better days
When I'll not only see the sky
But take a leap of faith
And fly...

180° of Understanding

I want to love you

But I don't know how.

You must understand

That up until now

I've never desired

Anything more from a person

Than simple friendship

And stringless conversing.

I thought I understood 

What love could've meant

But how to be sure

Unless I'd already felt

What everyone talks about

But few truly know

And so I've decided

To give it a go.

And it's so funny

Cause now it turns out,

I grasp even less

Of what this business is all about.

In the 20/20 vision

That comes with hindsight,

Quite a few issues 

Are coming to light.

I've confused emotions and feelings

Like passion, pleasure and even guilt

Along with motives and desires

That were entirely selfish

For this thing we pursue

As the greatest of gifts.

And it's clear that this journey

Is far from its finish.

Parting of the Ways

This is the end.

The end of the road my friend.

This is the start.

The start of paths being sundered apart.

This is the last.

The last spin of the wheel. The die has been cast.

Then let it end.

Let it end so something else can begin.

Let it start.

Start at the place where first faces last.

Contact

Touch me.

Won't somebody touch me?

I need a hand to hold 

Or just a hug.

Anything

To simply feel loved.

Optimal Conditions

I'd be alright

If I could just see a light;

Know that once through this turmoil,

I'd no longer have to fight.

I would be good

If I knew that somehow I could

Reach a safe haven,

From danger aloof.

Yeah I'd be ok.

I would be good.

Awkward Silence

Tic. Toc.

The second hand marks time

Like waves crashing on a dock.

Tic. Toc.

Sitting. Idly waiting. 

Mouths tightly locked.

Tic. Toc.

What's it been? Like, forever?

Nope, not according to the clock!

Tic. Toc.

Meanwhile Time, that old jester,

Just prances and mocks?

Tic. Toc. Toc. Tic.

Sigh, the quiet is grueling

And it's making me sick!

Tic. Toc. Toc. Tic.

You can hear a fly tiptoe

Outside a pane five inches thick.

Tic. Toc. Toc. Tic. Toc. Tic. Tic. Toc.

Please, oh please, 
Won't somebody make it stop?

Tic. Toc.

If this doesn't end soon

I'ma have to reach for my glock!