All In

I'm trying not to be sad.

But it's a battle I can't win.

A part of me is focused

On all the positive things- 

The prospect of the unknown

Gives me an electric thrill.

But another part,

The one I can't control,

Chokes on all the bitter fumes

Of dreams going up in smoke.

So much effort wasted

Planting seeds that have not grown.

And so I'm spinning,

Disoriented.

Oscillating between

Peace, contentment

And dread of the unseen:

Teetering in tenuous equilibrium

Waiting for the drop.

Only question is, 

When?

When will the wheel of fate

Finally come to a stop?

Then, 
What hand will the dealer pay out?

And,
 If it comes to sudden death,

Could I stick it out?

But in the moments just before the fall

It all goes eerily quiet

As I purposefully choose to trust,
Drawing strength from a world gone silent.
I accept the things I do not know.
I let Faith fill me up.

I relinquish all the might-have-beens
And,

Surrendering, 

I take the plunge.

Shapes in the Clouds

 

 Never was a fan of squares.

All those straight lines 

And sharp edges

Always seemed too severe.

But triangles just weren't my thing.

Too pointy,

Too pompous and ominous 

And rigid.

I tried the circle routine.

And that gave me boundaries... 

For a while,

But I mostly remember

Being dizzy all the time.

So maybe, I'm not meant to be geometric 

Never been good at fitting into the norm.

Perhaps what I need is something less electric.

I'd probably be better off with a more organic form.

Curves and squiggles,

That entice laughter and giggles.

A world where rhyme weaves tapestries out of riddle,

Where caterpillers hold court 

And cats play the fiddle,

Where myth and legend can cavort 

In fields of the Elysian sort.

So rather than passively feeling out of place,

I'm gonna migrate,

Find myself a climate

That's much more suited to my taste;

A land fit for an itinerant space case. 

Determination

Unshod at the burning bush I stand;

My eyes can't be averted.

My quest is the Promised Land

I will not be perverted.

Insane in the Mundane

Lying in the darkness 

I can't seem to fall asleep.

The clock, it won't stop ticking

And the faucet keeps on dripping.

I'm suspended here in time;

I fear I might have just lost my mind.

The shadows start to lighten,

The sun straddles the horizon 

And I don't know why I'm frightened

By the colours that are fighting.

Round and round my room they swirl.

Got a feeling I'm about to hurl.

And I need to break free or at least I gotta try

'Cause at night in my dreams

I know that I can fly.

Fragments

 

Perfect strangers

Huddled at the bus stop

In the pouring rain,

United in an instant

By a cigarette stick

Sharing a moment of release

And a mutual need for a nicotine hit…

************

People scare me.

Standing in the shower,

I can let my voice ring out-

Just open my mouth

And sing.

But in company,

It’s quite another thing:

My blood turns cold

And I feel myself freeze.

Terror petrified,

I can barely breathe

Much less utter a single word

If I get even an inkling

That I might be observed.

******************

You know just what I’m thinking,

Even when the words become obstacles

And get in the way.

In times of need,

You always know the right thing to say.

I never have to explain my feelings

Because you feel them too

And I never fear your judgement

‘Cause you understand the things I go through.

In the dark I am never alone

Because you have a way of making

The scariest of places

Feel comfortable like home.

Even when I can’t feel you,

I know I’ll be just fine

‘Cause our connection holds true

Across oceans and time.

****************

There are many things

That I don’t know:

Like how far away the sun is,

Or what makes flowers grow.

And when you think it over,

There are many reasons you could come to

As to just why I am not

The perfect one for you…

***************

…But how do you end a chapter,

Turn the page

And shut the door

On one whose role

Is central to the story?

****************

My brain feels raped.

I feel the shame

Of a fall from grace.

A hopeless case,

My jumbled words spill out all over the place…

A babbling brook,

An insipid book,

Sitting alone in a tight, cramped nook

Trying to communicate with just a look.

Fatigue of the mind

For quite some time

Searched far and wide

Only to find

The legends had lied

About the treasures people hide

And at the end of the rainbow,

There was no grand prize.