Catch-32

The blank page:
Fear of beginnings,
Fear of the unknown.
The last full-stop:
Fear of endings,
Fear of growing old.

Scar Tissue

I didn't know 

You could affect me like this.

I hadn't realised 

How deep you'd gotten under my skin.

It wasn't til I took a closer look

At the places I'd been,

That I got the real picture

Of the damage within.

I've had time to heal 

From the havoc, burns and breakings

But deep inside there's still a dull aching

That I cannot reach

And it's taking all I've got to stop myself shaking

From the chills that I feel 

At the memory of you

Buried deep underneath

Layers of scar tissue.

Once you were out of my life,

I simply moved on.

I never thought about you.

Not even once.

But for some reason lately,

You've been on my mind;

I can't seem to shut you out.

Believe me, 

I've tried.

I tell myself over and over again

There's no need,

No need at all for me to dwell

On stuff that happened way back when.

But it isn't that simple

And I cried

When I understood how much it's affected my life.

I took it for granted 

When my wounds disappeared,

That all was forgiven,

I had nothing to fear,

The past was behind me,

The future was here.

But it was just this scar tissue

Numbing me at the point where

There was a major issue

And I couldn't see clear.

Now I see for myself

How much I surrendered 

Through ignorance of my health,

How all of the pain that I had disguised

Had me running on fumes.

Fumes made from lies

That created a spectre like a monstrous tower

That loomed high above me 

In whose shadow I cowered.

Now I've found the courage

To reclaim my power.

Now I won't let you daunt me

No matter how much you glower.

 Now I have the remedy 

That truth brought home to me:

Love and forgiveness

Have healed me fully.

Now the hurt and the pain 

Are gone finally.

And the marks on my flesh,

Those dark, ugly scars

They are bookmarks of lessons learnt

And now, that's all they are.

Resistance Training

So much has happened in so little time,

I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

I have no more energy; I'm down so low

If one more thing happens... then I just don't know.

But I've been through too much,

I'm in far too deep;

If I give up now, I'll be lost indeed.

I'm not sure how far I have left to go,

But I gird myself up and my fear I swallow.

I've set my sights on high and I'm paying for it.

And that's the reason why I can't afford to quit.

Divestment

It's time...

For all the years spent trying:

Be stalwart, be calm,

Patient and kind,

Yet ever armed;

Be wise and subtle,

Be firm and yet humble;

Be genuine but know how to fake,

Bend like the green willow but never break;

Never let them see behind your game face... 

All the while knowingly lying

For the sake of conforming

To social grace.

The walls I built with reinforced steel

Turned into a prison that would not yield

Even to my hand, 

When, at last a man,

I came to understand

That in weakness there can be strength

In awkwardness, stealth

And underneath poverty, untold wealth.

When at last I opened my eyes

Finally beginning to realise

That I'd read the signs wrong

That I'd been brainwashed all along

Into thinking I needed to kill

All the while amassing debt in an unpayable bill,

Keeping me enslaved, effacing my will;

Leaving me numb, soulless and ill

But demanding more and even more still...

So I decided

It's time:

Time to let go

Time to strip off all the masks and pretense and ego

Time to look into the mirror and finally know

What's really there so I can undergo

The metamorphosis that must inevitably follow...

Time to put all I've learnt to the test.

Time to come face to face with my best.

Time to be strong and leave fear powerless.  

Time to be vulnerable, not time to hide.

And at the edge of this decision, I cried.

Shameless...