Overthinking

I don't know whether to laugh or cry

And at times people may think that I'm high

As a kite,

When I take off on flights

Of fancy or go off on rants

Or maybe, just maybe, perchance

I'm just taking the time to enhance

My point of view

So I can see clearly through

To the end of the road

Or as far as the horizon goes.

Maybe I'm searching for wisdom

To get me to the Kingdom.

Looking through the eyes of children,

My only real kindred,

Waiting for a change of season;

Trying hard to find a reason-

The how, the what, the why of it all

So I don't just crumple up and fall

Out of sight, out of mind,

Forgotten by the rest of human kind.

I tell myself I'm playing nice

But perhaps this is just another vice

Like women, drugs and liquor drinking

But then again,
Maybe I'm just overthinking...

180° of Understanding

I want to love you

But I don't know how.

You must understand

That up until now

I've never desired

Anything more from a person

Than simple friendship

And stringless conversing.

I thought I understood 

What love could've meant

But how to be sure

Unless I'd already felt

What everyone talks about

But few truly know

And so I've decided

To give it a go.

And it's so funny

Cause now it turns out,

I grasp even less

Of what this business is all about.

In the 20/20 vision

That comes with hindsight,

Quite a few issues 

Are coming to light.

I've confused emotions and feelings

Like passion, pleasure and even guilt

Along with motives and desires

That were entirely selfish

For this thing we pursue

As the greatest of gifts.

And it's clear that this journey

Is far from its finish.

Alone

Late nights spent on the phone,

Conversating til the break of dawn,

Telling each other about what's going on

And sharing thoughts we'd always hid from everyone.

Invited to a party, standing at the door.

Watching all the other people who came in by the score.

Feeling isolated, left out, some old bore.

Hand off the doorknob, back away real slow.

Turn around and then start running like you never have before.

Down in the metro, hopped on the first train.

Maybe it's my line but if not, it's all the same.

Wonder why you left the house; why you even came.

Didn't ya know they'd always hurt you?

All they do is cause you pain.

Looking out the window at the cold gray buildings, you see

All the happy families

Talking over dinner or curled up watching TV,

Oblivious to the fact that their homey aeries

Could sollicite so much unadulterated envy.

Walking down the busy streets and the crowded avenues,

Surrounded by a storm of sound and colourful views,

Jostled by the swarming masses of wannabes and their crews,

Blissfully impervious to the beggar singing the blues.

Last flight of stairs. You're finally home.

Shut your door to all sound save the one haunting tone

From the beggarman's song that left you chilled to the bone.

You've enjoyed the laughter; the waves of shame you rode.

Yes, you came through the battle 

Just to find you're alone.

In Time

So much to say,

So much to much to try.

So many things unspoken,

Suspended in the mind.

So many battles lost,
So many left to fight.
So many chances untapped,

Rehashed in 20-20 hindsight.
So many lessons to be learnt

Before the final exam.
So many things to let go of
To make room for things to come.
So much washed away,
like water under a bridge.
So much to do, to see,
So many reasons to live.
So many people to meet:
Friends and foes, rivals and allies. 

So many courses to explore

While navigating the river of time.

Hello Springtime!

Ah spring!  Coming from a country where there are basically only two seasons in the year- a wet season and a dry season- I find that each of the seasons has its own beauty and its own special appeal. However, spring has to be my favourite season of them all. And it's not just because it reminds me that summer is on its way. I simply love the feeling of rebirth that comes with the new buds, the (generally) warmer temperatures and the lengthening days. 

And, my absolute favourite thing about spring? Well, I'd have to say the colours. Maybe it has something to do with the sunshine, or the warmer weather (especially this year) or the multitude of flowers bursting into bloom all over the place, but whatever the case, colours just seem more vibrant at this time of year. 

So, in honour of the season, here's an old poem, written several years ago during my first Spring:

The Springing of Spring

The first days of spring are here

And the birds have returned.

One realizes once again

That insects exist

And the trees are first popping

Then literally bursting

Into life.

The sun,

Which during the months of cold

Seemed little more

Than a shimmering

Dot of a decoration in the sky,

Begins to reacquire its vitality.

The days start

To feel a little longer

And the heart rejoices

As the eye takes in the sight

Of the golden orb

Framed in azure skies.

The river overflows its banks

As the mountain snow

Begins to melt.

Creamy and faded legs

Begin to peek out

From under shorts and miniskirts.

Some of the victims of the long winter

Still show signs

Of the long hard battle;

While some late sleepers

Are yet to change into the garb

Of the new year’s foliage.

The sounds of young life

Fill the air

As nature conducts the first

strains

Of her orchestra that will reach

A fever-pitch crescendo

In the summer.

As God looks down on the waking world,

I wonder if it brings back,

With a tinge of nostalgic reverie,

The days when all was new and clean,

Freshly sprung in to being

At the sound of His melodious voice.

But then maybe it also cheers

His heart as He thinks ahead

To a new world

Where the icy hand of Death

Will never raise a finger

And where the winter

Of the Dark Oblivion

Of a million gaping graves

Will never chill the air

Where children

Will sing and dance and work

With their elders

And the harmony of man and

Nature will never be broken.

Where boredom will be a word

Not to be found

Even in the oldest tome

Of the most ancient dictionary

Of the most antiquated form

Of the language.

I can see that cheering Him

And bringing a radiant smile

To His face.

And I think,

“I want that smile to shine on me

And all I do forever.”

I don’t want to hurt the Father

Who is Life.

May His smile that brings life

Illuminate us and the world!!!

Kaleidoscope Night

Vivid reds streak across the sky

Burning oranges lap at the edges

of the thin lines of pale blue

that merge into bands of

sultry, shadowy purples and violets

the flaming sun orb is now out of sight

yet its emissaries seem to follow

even as the train speeds away

in the opposite direction-

toward the darkened dome of heaven

flecked with glinting, silvery dots

like bits of glowing confetti

After a party-

the end of another day.

The train is followed by another body

more discrete

but stern in the beauty of its cold, milky light

commanding awe

as it presides over the affairs of the dark

making sure that obscurity is kept in check-

the beginning of the night.

The streetlights awake,

while somewhere the first lightbulb comes to life

the streets continue to bustle with commuters-

the last shoppers,

day workers homeward bound,

friends out for a sit down at the corner café,

nocturnal laborers on their way to the grind.

The club hoppers and other night time species

will soon appear on the scene,

but it is too early for that yet.

The train keeps going,

its passengers ride on,

some in a hurry to reach their destination,

others a bit apprehensive,

still others sit indifferent-

this is routine,

Just a trainride is all.

Small towns and villages fly by

life passing life

one going at the regular pace,

the other gliding on in fast forward.

So many parallel stories,

the plots running along similar lines

but never intersecting

As evening shrouds the land

I find it funny how

each character in the great novel of the world

could experience the exact same thing

in so many different ways.

Looking Through Fresh Eyes

Walking down the street today I had an experience that I just couldn't help but share. Without over exaggerating things, I have to say that I feel like I bordered on epiphany. I can’t quite explain exactly how it happened but, all of a sudden, I looked up and saw a balcony on a building that I must have passed at least a hundred times in the last six years. That one balcony looked like such a perfect place to relax and people watch, that I started to look around me at the other buildings I passed to see what I might have missed as I rushed by in the whirlwind of activity that has been my life over the past four years.  I honestly have to say, I was taken aback by the number of extraordinarily ordinary details I've seen but never noticed in my frenetic ego-centric rush to get here or go there or do this or that.

I suppose that what I'm really talking about is taking the time to smell the proverbial roses. It's something we talk about enough but one which not many of us actually do. And it seems like the older we get (at least in my experience), the less we live. And I'm not just talking about having fun either because what strikes me as I write this, is that we can even get so absorbed in our pursuit of pleasure that we still don't really enjoy living. I mean, can you call a life where you're constantly exhausted as a result of overwork, excessive partying or anything else living?

This quite ordinary experience has really opened my eyes to the way I've been going about my life. It's not to say that I regret anything, I just realize that I need to step back from my own stuff on a regular basis in order to look at the big picture. Interestingly enough, it showed me that I don't even have to take time out to do so. I mean, I was on my way to the tax office at the time it happened, (I know, who needs the club when there's the tax office right?). It's something we can do while about our daily business. It can really be that simple.

So, why not take a couple seconds to slide your stuff over into a corner and look at what's out there- besides you. This is by no means an endorsement of procrastination, mind you. If you have a report due and shirk that to go traipsing through the local mall, don't cite me as the one who told you to do it! But do take a minute to think outside your schedule, your friends, your responsibilities, your pleasure, your needs and wants because there's a great big world out there! It's quite easy and most of all, it will leave you energized and refreshed like nothing else- and who knows, you just might find the inspiration you need to tackle your own issues. 

Here's to a new perspective on living!

Starting Over

In yet another divergence from what I usually post here, I'm putting up a short reflection:

As children, we all start out with the fresh eyes of innocence. We charge through life with the madness of sheer abandon. That is, until we learn that to live is to suffer and to trust is to leave ourselves open to being hurt. So we develop mechanisms and stratagems to protect ourselves and to get before we get got.

And on the way to the goal that we tell ourselves is maturity, we leave behind pieces of ourselves- exchanging intuition and faith for logic and reason while the magic fades from our world. We unthinkingly accept what is imposed on us, sacrificing independence, imagination and free creativity at the alter of the status quo.

We imprison our hearts behind walls of fallacy and feign impermeability because we have learned that it is dangerous to feel or, in any case, to let others know that we feel. We internalize the notion that it is weak to cry and nurture the idea that unbridled joy or excitement belies desperation. So we stifle our feelings.

These are the things I have come to realize when I have taken the time to silence the voices of obligation, responsibility , guilt, fear- the dramatic clamour of the outside world. When I sat still and talked with God in the quiet hours of the day, in my mind’s eye I saw the little boy I used to be and wondered with a pang of remorse, whether he would be happy with the person he grew up to be.

With this in mind, I choose to forgive:
First, myself for the needless pain I have inflicted upon myself and others

God (as paradoxical, and possibly blasphemous, as that may sound). I forgive
Him for the perceived injustices I have blamed on Him.

My family, friends, co-workers and random strangers for the wrongs they
have done and which I have unconsciously carried with me through the years.

Yes. I forgive, because it is the first step toward healing and getting past those things that lie at the heart of all my insecurities.