Apologetica

With every choice,

There comes the consequence.

For every risk,

There is a cost

And even not to choose

Becomes itself a choice.

And not to risk,

Is to run a risk:

The risk of being wrong,

The risk of missing out,

The risk of stagnating,

The risk of failing to grow

And being left behind.

I’ve failed you I’m afraid.

I thought I did you justice

I thought I helped you learn,

I thought I nourished you

When in fact

I stifled your creativity,

Your free spirit.

My help, my correction,

Was abuse

And my brand of justice

The most atrocious of

Injustices

And now I’ve spoilt

What could have been

A beautiful painting;

I’ve thrown out of harmony

A melody that should have

Gone platinum

Many times over.

My selfishness, my fear, my ego

Have marred the tapestry of our lives…

This is my apologetica.

The weight of regret

That lies on my shoulders

Presses down on me

More and more

With each passing day.

I wish

I could turn back the clock

With the knowledge

I now have

And then just maybe…

But how to change?

How to make things right?

How can I rewrite the role

That I have created for

Myself?

How to break free

Of this image of perfection,

Of innocence, responsibility

And saintliness?

A role produced by others

Before I could yet

Understand

Its repercussions

But one which I accepted

And learned to play

With dexterity

And convincing

Improvisations

But this is my apologetica…

I just want you to understand…

…and maybe one day

We can forgive me.