I Win

I was in the dark

But I couldn't see it.

I didn't know what light was.

How then could I miss it?

That was how you found me

Way back when-

A tiny, wounded, frightened thing

In desperate need of a friend.

You were like a ray of light

When you came into my life.

You were to me an angel

Though I didn't think to ask what kind.

You opened up a world to me

I still cannot describe

But that was just the outer coat,

The inside was much more vile.

Beneath the sweet exterior

Was a filling of abuse and lies,

Manipulation mixed with laughter

And copious creamy smiles.

People ask me why I stayed;

Think I'd surrendered my mind

To a beautiful angel

But not the benevolent kind.

So now you've come around again

Expecting I'd let you in.

Arrogance was always your Achilles heel

And this time around,

I.

Win.

Ownership

Say it.

Say it out loud.

It doesn't have to be
Voluminous and vociferous,

But put it out there nonetheless.

Say it. 

You've been hiding.

It's ok.

You needed protection.

But that bandage isn't helping anymore

And the old wound is festering.

Air it out.

Let the light in.

Shake out the dust;

Get rid of the mould. 

It's time to move forward.

Time to grow.

It's painful.

And uncomfortable

But that's how it goes.

It is necessary and needful

And it will heal you.

So go ahead and say it.
Say it out loud.

Take the power back;

It's your time now.

Welcome Destruction

You saw them coming

I didn't.

The doubts

Like rain clouds in the distance.

You took precautions

I couldn't.

I never felt the danger.

I never heard it

The sudden intake of breath

That speaks of dread

Of tenseness.

Thinking back now,

How could I have missed it?

All that agst and the restlessness?

The downpour was sudden

Fierce and relentless.

The wind launched its assault

Determined and tireless

While my house shook and rattled

Defenseless.

I crouched and I cowered.

My voice died as I hollared.

But safe in your bunker

You couldn't be bothered.

I came through the waters

And the treacherous eye.

Shaken and weak

And somehow alive.

You saw them coming.

I never did.

The stormclouds in the distance

That washed our world clean.

Now as I stand here,

They recede.

Now I stand here

Watching you leave.

Now I remain

Alone to grieve.

Now as I settle in

And start to rebuild

It's odd that instead of sadness,

What I find is relief.  

Catch-32

The blank page:
Fear of beginnings,
Fear of the unknown.
The last full-stop:
Fear of endings,
Fear of growing old.

Holding Pattern

We've been here before.

I recognise the landscape.

In 72 hours

How much could've changed?

But this isn't our first time

Circling this particular drain,

So  tell me why the hell

We'd want to try it again?

And yet, 

It's the same old refrain

On an infinite loop

I just can't seem to escape/break free from

The gravity around you.

Leaf in the Wind

I have no anchor.

I'm a leaf in the wind.

Unexpected.

That's what this is.

Cold turkey

And the shakes are setting in

It's a punch to the stomach

That's knocked out my wind

It's a knife in the gut

And I'm all but done in

Didn't build my world around you

You weren't my everything

Still I can't pretend it didn't matter

I feel my head begin to spin

I never saw it coming.

I never saw a thing.

I'm adrift without an anchor.

I'm a leaf in the wind.

Adrift without an anchor.

A leaf in the wind.

Slashed & Burned

Ruin and ash

Fires burning low

Treasure to trash

Where do I go?

My old world has ended

I screamed as it burned

My soul's resurrected

To ground zero returned.

Trying to figure out

Where I fit in

I sink into the ground;

Stop control-less spinning.

Others are gone

Yet still I remain

A small, fragile one

So I begin again.

Face to the night

Eyes open wide

Hoping this time

I'm on the right side.

Infiltrated

So you think you know it all.

You think you're safe.

You think your precautions

Are all that it will take

To keep you protected

And away from harm.

You put stock in technology

And cutting edge alarms.

Well,

You might have been right

But for all your strategizing

You forgot one thing,

That crucial element

You should've factored in.

You're smart and resourceful

But your adversary is more cunning still.

With honey on his tongue and jewel encrusted smile

He slowly took you in

And so you hesitated

When you should have made the kill.

And he laid low

For a hot minute or so

While you rested on the laurels

Of victories won long ago.

And so it happened

That while you slept,

He pressed the advantage

And silently crept

Through all your proud defenses,

Your walls and your electric fences.

All your hi-tech sensors have been undermined

Along with systems for early warning

And you have been kept blind.

But even now you cannot see

That it's too late

For, you see the enemy

Already stands within your gates.

Return to Start

The two of us share a history

Or, shall we say,

A checkered past?

We got along so awkwardly

I'm not surprised 

Things fell apart.

We existed in each other's space

No more, no less

And somehow I just accepted it;

Told myself it was for the best.

I was hurt by you.

Felt estranged from you.

Abandoned.

You were the enemy.

The intruder.

The invader who

Had no business in my territory

Trying to bring law and order.

So I rebelled.

I used fire.

I raised hell.

But you weren't afraid

And you pushed back;

Asserted your claim.

So I gave up.

Retreated into myself.

Let my garden turn into a wilderness.

Shut myself up in a cave.

Packed myself in ice,

Thinking that would cool the flame.

Took no account of global warming

Or the fact things move in cyclical waves.

Now my winter forteress has melted

And I'm burning again.

So the only way to stop this cycle,

The only way to break this curse

Is to shift gears; move into reverse

And go back to the place

Where I should have started first.

Only time doesn't work like that.

You can never go back.

Least that's what I've learnt about the past:

You can't change it.

You don't get a do-over.

You remember it.

Until you don't

Because it no longer matters.

But it does to me 

And therein lies the problem.

So I've returned to you

For a healthy side of crow.

And I can't predict how this will end,

This only do I know:

You can't pull a relationship out of thin air.

You can't get back what never was.

But you've gotta start somewhere.

Gravitational

I want you.

I probably shouldn't.

But I want you.

Now I could say

That it's for your charm,

Your winning personality.

Only I don't really know you

But I know I want your body.

You draw me in;

I can't resist it.

You've got a pull,

And it's magnetic.

Perhaps it's got something to do

With pheromones,

Or maybe it's just that time of the month

And I'm on overload

Bursting at the seams

With a surplus of hormones.

Whatever it is,

I don't need to explain it.

I'm done overthinking

And I say f*** it!

I know that I want you.

And I'm going for it.

In Spite of Me

 Don't look at me so

Like you've got me 

All figured out.

I'm not in love

You know.

So you might as well 

Get it out of your head

Right this instant.

I've had crushes before

And sooner or later,

They all fall away

To the cutting room floor.

So don't go getting attached.

I don't do committment.

I don't do relationships

And I don't do domestic.

So watch your back.

I ain't in it for the long haul.

Just remember that.

Don't smile at me that way.

It's like you're not paying attention 

To anything I say.

Oh I see,

You think I'm falling for you

Just because 

For some reason

I haven't quite managed

To give you the boot.

Well, don't worry.

I'll get to it soon.

What's wrong with your eyes?

Turn the shine off!

Didn't yo' mama never teach you

It's not polite to gloat?

I've heard of sore losers,

And that's not me at all

But you could stand to be more gracious...

Now that you realise you've won.

You're a tenacious little barnacle.

I'll give you that much.

I'd never have guessed it

That night you sat on my porch

Telling stories while you drank

And we ate corn on the cob.

But somehow you knew

You'd be the one

To get under my skin.

Yeah, you knew it.

Of course.

And I want to be mad

That I can't shake you off

But I can't be 

And it's frustrating to me

That I love you so much.

Call Me When You're Sober

Want me in the daylight

And when you're in your right mind.

I don't want you to want me

In the wee hours of the morning

Round a quarter past three

When you're alone, 

And drunk,

And horny.

I don't want to be

The person you think of when you're lonely

Or the one you call when you're bored,

Only to be looked right through at parties

When you have company.

The one to be ignored.

I don't want to be the one

Who gets put way back on the top shelf.

Sitting there, hoping to be remembered,

Feeling sorry for myself.

No.

I don't want to be that person

Who's always last pick or second choice.

I let you get away with that

Because I felt I had no voice.

Now I've learnt

After being burnt

On multiple occasions

That I do

Have value too

And you are not my salvation.

So it's 3 am

And, as expected,

The phone rings.

And it's you

Wanting to know

Wussup

And, Can I come over.

Now, honey boo,

I ain't mad at you

But I am not your part time lover

So if you're sure that I'm the one you want

You need to 

Call me when you're sober.

Enemy Inside

Be careful when you go.

Watch your back.

Take care.

Words of warning

Spoken out of love and fear.

Admonition

Meant to guard against

The dangers lurking somewhere "out there."

Words

Assimilated and passed on.

Words

Turned tradition;

Handed down from father to son.

Words

That I have taken to heart.

Words

That have kept me 

Alert and sharp.

So when in your turn

You stepped into my world,

I wanted to welcome you

But for those words

Reminding me of the threat

That you in your innocence

Could potentially represent.

And without realising it,

Instinct took hold

Sending me into 

Self defense mode.

I threw up the walls.

I launched the grenades.

I pulled out the stops,

And went on crusades

All in an attempt

To protect myself

From the wildling,

The enemy,

Inside my fence.

Now looking back

Reluctantly,

I have finally come to see

That in all of my vigilant savagery 

The real beast in the story

Turned out to be me. 

The Core

It's not about the job.

It's not about the money.

It's about your purpose

And the reason for the journey.

All In

I'm trying not to be sad.

But it's a battle I can't win.

A part of me is focused

On all the positive things- 

The prospect of the unknown

Gives me an electric thrill.

But another part,

The one I can't control,

Chokes on all the bitter fumes

Of dreams going up in smoke.

So much effort wasted

Planting seeds that have not grown.

And so I'm spinning,

Disoriented.

Oscillating between

Peace, contentment

And dread of the unseen:

Teetering in tenuous equilibrium

Waiting for the drop.

Only question is, 

When?

When will the wheel of fate

Finally come to a stop?

Then, 
What hand will the dealer pay out?

And,
 If it comes to sudden death,

Could I stick it out?

But in the moments just before the fall

It all goes eerily quiet

As I purposefully choose to trust,
Drawing strength from a world gone silent.
I accept the things I do not know.
I let Faith fill me up.

I relinquish all the might-have-beens
And,

Surrendering, 

I take the plunge.

Storm Shelter

Stormclouds on the horizon.

Another "uh-oh" moment

Before the bang,

The explosion that rang out

Across the world:

The herald of the tightened noose;

A signal that hell just broke loose.

Lightning flashes;

Thunder rolls.

The radio says

It's gonna get worse.

Can I stay in bed til it's all over

And build a home under the covers?

Can't I hold my breath and keep my head under?

Is there any reason I can't drink myself sober?

The light is shut out.

Immersed in deep night,

The shadow is all I receive

From my eyes.

Not sure if day's real

Or a thing I made up.

I planted a seed

Then I lost the map;

I wander around,

But can't find the spot.

Speeding to nowhere.

Maybe I should stop.

...But do I dare?

Once sun kissed

Now wind-swept.

Feeling exposed,

Shaken and helpless;

Choked by fear's rose

A fantom bloom opening

In the back of my throat.

Hope-cheated, rejected;

Undercut by a tide 

Of emotions 

With nowhere to hide.

Now habit would dictate 

I try to understand the why

But I couldn't be bothered

Cause I'm numb inside. 

And this may not,

Be a good time to fly.

But, then again,

Perhaps I should give it a try.

Let the air currents

I ride

Take me up high

Above these dark clouds 

To bright open sky.

Follow the Leader

Echo on stone

Bare as bone.

Resplendant Monarch

On crystal throne.

Things move slow;

I wonder why.

Don't change them though.

No will to try.

I do my part

And tow the line;

Heart in traction,

Eyes shut wide

Til suddenly I realise

My feet've strayed onto

A decline

Following after 

One who is blind.

Lost & Found

You used to say

You'd be the one to fix me.

Never took you for a creeper.

Never thought you'd be the one

To make the wound much deeper.

And I tried to make you 

Into something

You were never meant to be.

That's over now.

The lie's broken down.

And now

I'm standing in the lost and found.

I used to think 

I was strong enough

To never leave your side

But time's the measure

And he knew better

And somehow it seems I lied.

And I tried to make me

Into something

I was never meant to be

But that's over now.

That lie's broken down.

I look around 

And see that somehow

I'm right back

In the lost and found.

Big Boy Pants

I'd been expecting you

But you never showed up 

Why didnt you come?

Guess you called my bluff.

I spent my time

Hovering, it seems,

Between murky reality

And half lucid dreams.

Guess I was dodging the rough.

I'd always imagined 

That when you got here

Mysteries would unfold;

That my path would be clear.

Guess that was delusional stuff.

Eyes to the people

For a solution

Turned out to be nothing

But noise and confusion.

Then I decided 

To look on the inside

But found I couldn't live off

Hurt feelings and pride.

Guess I wasn't enough.

Severed the cord

But only in word

Time to cash in my actions;

See what my mouth's really worth.

Guess it's time for tough love. 

Unconscious Uncoupling

So close

We were the closest

Of friends

We were the bestest

Of loves

Ours was the greatest

Of falls

This was the hardest.

Your eyes told stories

Far beyond words

Never had to explain things

Emotions were heard

I could always tell what you were feeling

Like your own personal

Human mood ring

And you never had to ask

"Well what do you think?"

Cause we were in tune

On a wave and in sync.

Many times I've heard it said

That all good things

One day come to an end.

So then what about the bad?

What message does that send?

Kinda makes me second guess

The meaning of "friend".

Something's broken

Or else something's grown

And for some reason or other

We don't fit anymo'.

It just happened so quick though

Quicker even than I could follow.

This truly is a hard pill to swallow.
Guess you can never predict
How the wind's gonna blow,

Just like that, overnight,
you've become

A person that I used to know.