All In

I'm trying not to be sad.

But it's a battle I can't win.

A part of me is focused

On all the positive things- 

The prospect of the unknown

Gives me an electric thrill.

But another part,

The one I can't control,

Chokes on all the bitter fumes

Of dreams going up in smoke.

So much effort wasted

Planting seeds that have not grown.

And so I'm spinning,

Disoriented.

Oscillating between

Peace, contentment

And dread of the unseen:

Teetering in tenuous equilibrium

Waiting for the drop.

Only question is, 

When?

When will the wheel of fate

Finally come to a stop?

Then, 
What hand will the dealer pay out?

And,
 If it comes to sudden death,

Could I stick it out?

But in the moments just before the fall

It all goes eerily quiet

As I purposefully choose to trust,
Drawing strength from a world gone silent.
I accept the things I do not know.
I let Faith fill me up.

I relinquish all the might-have-beens
And,

Surrendering, 

I take the plunge.

Placebo Effect

I wanted to talk.

The urge was so strong

Felt like it was ready to spill over

From my eyes,

Out my mouth to the first passer-by,

From my hands, my hips, my feet.

So I wrote.

I needed company.

Desire burned inside me

Like the sting of a mutant wasp.

I was ready for anyone.

Didn’t matter who-

Short, tall, balding, poster-model refugee,

So I watched TV.

I sought understanding.

An ear to hear, an eye to catch

The things I needed off my chest

But which fear kept off my tongue-

The sorrow and uncertainty,

The thoughts that keep me awake at night.

And so I waited.

I craved closure.

Self destruction mechanism diffused,

Disastrous chapter closed

Turn over to a new page-

Habits to change, addictions to break, mind to reprogram-

But hard to do,

So I slept.

I hungered for Soul Food.

The empty calories of placid conversations,

Mindless outings,

The inane, random chatter

On subjects about as important as pancake batter-

How I be, who be she, goings on about the weather.

So I kept myself busy.

Finding isolation in a quiet corner,

Consoling a cup of coffee-

And why not a doughnut or two?

Transference, denial, avoidance-

Vices and coping mechanisms,

Delusional solutions and false fixes

On which I depend

Til I can face it all head-on

And get off this

PLACEBO.