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The two of us share a history

Or, shall we say,

A checkered past?

We got along so awkwardly

I'm not surprised 

Things fell apart.

We existed in each other's space

No more, no less

And somehow I just accepted it;

Told myself it was for the best.

I was hurt by you.

Felt estranged from you.

Abandoned.

You were the enemy.

The intruder.

The invader who

Had no business in my territory

Trying to bring law and order.

So I rebelled.

I used fire.

I raised hell.

But you weren't afraid

And you pushed back;

Asserted your claim.

So I gave up.

Retreated into myself.

Let my garden turn into a wilderness.

Shut myself up in a cave.

Packed myself in ice,

Thinking that would cool the flame.

Took no account of global warming

Or the fact things move in cyclical waves.

Now my winter forteress has melted

And I'm burning again.

So the only way to stop this cycle,

The only way to break this curse

Is to shift gears; move into reverse

And go back to the place

Where I should have started first.

Only time doesn't work like that.

You can never go back.

Least that's what I've learnt about the past:

You can't change it.

You don't get a do-over.

You remember it.

Until you don't

Because it no longer matters.

But it does to me 

And therein lies the problem.

So I've returned to you

For a healthy side of crow.

And I can't predict how this will end,

This only do I know:

You can't pull a relationship out of thin air.

You can't get back what never was.

But you've gotta start somewhere.

Gravitational

I want you.

I probably shouldn't.

But I want you.

Now I could say

That it's for your charm,

Your winning personality.

Only I don't really know you

But I know I want your body.

You draw me in;

I can't resist it.

You've got a pull,

And it's magnetic.

Perhaps it's got something to do

With pheromones,

Or maybe it's just that time of the month

And I'm on overload

Bursting at the seams

With a surplus of hormones.

Whatever it is,

I don't need to explain it.

I'm done overthinking

And I say f*** it!

I know that I want you.

And I'm going for it.

In Spite of Me

 Don't look at me so

Like you've got me 

All figured out.

I'm not in love

You know.

So you might as well 

Get it out of your head

Right this instant.

I've had crushes before

And sooner or later,

They all fall away

To the cutting room floor.

So don't go getting attached.

I don't do committment.

I don't do relationships

And I don't do domestic.

So watch your back.

I ain't in it for the long haul.

Just remember that.

Don't smile at me that way.

It's like you're not paying attention 

To anything I say.

Oh I see,

You think I'm falling for you

Just because 

For some reason

I haven't quite managed

To give you the boot.

Well, don't worry.

I'll get to it soon.

What's wrong with your eyes?

Turn the shine off!

Didn't yo' mama never teach you

It's not polite to gloat?

I've heard of sore losers,

And that's not me at all

But you could stand to be more gracious...

Now that you realise you've won.

You're a tenacious little barnacle.

I'll give you that much.

I'd never have guessed it

That night you sat on my porch

Telling stories while you drank

And we ate corn on the cob.

But somehow you knew

You'd be the one

To get under my skin.

Yeah, you knew it.

Of course.

And I want to be mad

That I can't shake you off

But I can't be 

And it's frustrating to me

That I love you so much.

Call Me When You're Sober

Want me in the daylight

And when you're in your right mind.

I don't want you to want me

In the wee hours of the morning

Round a quarter past three

When you're alone, 

And drunk,

And horny.

I don't want to be

The person you think of when you're lonely

Or the one you call when you're bored,

Only to be looked right through at parties

When you have company.

The one to be ignored.

I don't want to be the one

Who gets put way back on the top shelf.

Sitting there, hoping to be remembered,

Feeling sorry for myself.

No.

I don't want to be that person

Who's always last pick or second choice.

I let you get away with that

Because I felt I had no voice.

Now I've learnt

After being burnt

On multiple occasions

That I do

Have value too

And you are not my salvation.

So it's 3 am

And, as expected,

The phone rings.

And it's you

Wanting to know

Wussup

And, Can I come over.

Now, honey boo,

I ain't mad at you

But I am not your part time lover

So if you're sure that I'm the one you want

You need to 

Call me when you're sober.

Enemy Inside

Be careful when you go.

Watch your back.

Take care.

Words of warning

Spoken out of love and fear.

Admonition

Meant to guard against

The dangers lurking somewhere "out there."

Words

Assimilated and passed on.

Words

Turned tradition;

Handed down from father to son.

Words

That I have taken to heart.

Words

That have kept me 

Alert and sharp.

So when in your turn

You stepped into my world,

I wanted to welcome you

But for those words

Reminding me of the threat

That you in your innocence

Could potentially represent.

And without realising it,

Instinct took hold

Sending me into 

Self defense mode.

I threw up the walls.

I launched the grenades.

I pulled out the stops,

And went on crusades

All in an attempt

To protect myself

From the wildling,

The enemy,

Inside my fence.

Now looking back

Reluctantly,

I have finally come to see

That in all of my vigilant savagery 

The real beast in the story

Turned out to be me. 

The Core

It's not about the job.

It's not about the money.

It's about your purpose

And the reason for the journey.

All In

I'm trying not to be sad.

But it's a battle I can't win.

A part of me is focused

On all the positive things- 

The prospect of the unknown

Gives me an electric thrill.

But another part,

The one I can't control,

Chokes on all the bitter fumes

Of dreams going up in smoke.

So much effort wasted

Planting seeds that have not grown.

And so I'm spinning,

Disoriented.

Oscillating between

Peace, contentment

And dread of the unseen:

Teetering in tenuous equilibrium

Waiting for the drop.

Only question is, 

When?

When will the wheel of fate

Finally come to a stop?

Then, 
What hand will the dealer pay out?

And,
 If it comes to sudden death,

Could I stick it out?

But in the moments just before the fall

It all goes eerily quiet

As I purposefully choose to trust,
Drawing strength from a world gone silent.
I accept the things I do not know.
I let Faith fill me up.

I relinquish all the might-have-beens
And,

Surrendering, 

I take the plunge.