Self Terrorist

I'm unsure 

So I'd rather not try

Because If I failed, 

Then I just might die.

I feel guilty

For the times when I

Was too weak to be honest

And chose to hide behind a lie.

I am unhappy

Because deep down inside,

I know that all this

Is a symptom of pride.

I feel hope start to bloom

But it could just be a mirage

And in the face of success,

I self sabotage.

I sit and I worry 

My heart full of shame;

I smile and dissemble

Just playing the game.

I know it's unhealthy

And I pay a high cost,

But without all this turmoil...

Truth is, I feel lost.